We’re in the midst of eclipse season as I write this new blog entry, and boy has it been intense for me thus far. I don’t know that it is necessarily because of the eclipses, though, or more to do with where I’m at in my healing (ascension) process at the moment. Perhaps it’s a combination and that the energies and my process are aligned with each other, the way I sometimes feel that everything is perfectly timed on this journey. Nevertheless, I experienced a massive trigger on the weekend leading up to the solar eclipse on October 25, and I’m still sorting and sifting through all that it brought up for me, although things have been settling down a little, thankfully.
This particular trigger was one of the more intense ones out of all the triggers I’ve experienced, actually, and it felt as though it went straight down into the core of my main wounding, which has to do with abandonment and the fear of not being good enough or being loved for who I am. Although I try to stick to a schedule of blogging every two weeks, this past Friday I was still in the thick of it, and I just didn’t feel ready to write about my experience just yet. But as I’m slowly coming out of it now, I feel I can begin to put it into words on the page, which will probably help me to work through it even more, as is usually the case.
I suppose I’ve been feeling for a while now, from the early summer around the time when I needed to go on sick leave from my job as a care worker, that I’ve been approaching the core of my wounding, as things started intensifying quite a bit around that time. Through the summer and fall, various things have happened that have gotten me closer and closer to that core, from meeting my twin flame several times, to my job, and situations with friends, my doctor and the like. Some of these things I have mentioned in previous posts, but all in all these events have shown me how I have in different ways not been entirely true to myself. This isn’t really anything new, as I have done this more or less all my life to varying degrees, but in these past months I’ve been confronted with it to a degree that I couldn’t just sit on the sideline and watch it go down anymore, I had to do something about it.
Beginning to make choices that were right for me and what I truly wanted, as opposed to doing what I thought people expected of me, and setting firm boundaries, was essentially what it came down to, as far as the steps I needed to take to heal and reclaim my power as a human being. And I was presented with opportunities to do so, which all went well up to a point. As I began to make these small (but significant) changes, I suppose it was inevitable that my wounded inner child would start to feel insecure. Challenging those behavior patterns that made her feel safe, which essentially boiled down to doing things that she thought would make her feel loved and accepted yet went against her own true desires, made for an inner conflict of proportions.
Since I was a child and grew up with a mother who was emotionally unavailable, and not receiving the love and support that I needed to flourish, I got into the habit of being “the good girl”, doing as I was told, and putting quite a lot of pressure on myself to live up to other’s expectations, striving to get good grades etc. I suppose on a subconscious level I hoped this would get me the love and acceptance I so deeply yearned for, not really understanding that just being myself is enough. And since I never really confronted this wound and this pattern of behavior until now, it continued into my adult years, and affected my life in different arenas.
When I finally was able to see these patterns for what they really were, and making the decision to now make myself and my own desires a priority, I suppose it’s no wonder that the abandonment wound reared its ugly head, as my wounded inner child now felt convinced that since I “selfishly” and uncompromisingly put myself first, surely I would be abandoned. Perhaps surprisingly, this didn’t even involve my twin flame for once, but a good friend. My inner child was sure that if I stopped doing something that I had perceived (on a subconscious level) as something I had to do to keep him as a friend, then I would lose his friendship. This didn’t happen, thankfully, but the wound came up in full force, which was a good thing (albeit intense), so that I could feel it and release it once and for all.
Whenever a wound is being triggered like this, it’s like experiencing the original trauma all over again, and the intensity of it is like a shock to the system. As old traumas are stuck as energetic blocks in the body, when it comes up to the surface, and the energies of the wound are released, it will take a while to clear it out of your body completely. I can still feel energies ebbing and flowing as a result, from love and heart opening experiences, to unease and anxiety, but slowly but surely the negativity and pain is being released. I still feel the relief of being able to release this deep seated core wounding, and although I don’t believe that it means I am now fully healed and won’t be triggered again (I know that won’t be the case), as we’re always growing and ascending, it still feels like a milestone, and that I finally reached the core of my wounding. But the journey of boundary setting and self-love continues…
For the month of November I had given myself some vacation time, and I plan to spend some time doing what I love (working on my music, my business, blogging), and spend time with family and friends. I feel like I can finally breathe a little easier after months of intense work, and will now give myself some much needed rest and time to recover. November tends to be a boring and gray month in many ways, but this time I’m actually looking forward to it. You will hear from me again in not too long, but in the meantime, I hope you can find some inspiration in my words and in my healing process, and allow my experience to help you in yours.
I wish you a beautiful day, and as always, sending you much love and light!