I began writing this blog post about a week ago, but after I had written a couple of paragraphs, all of a sudden everything stopped up, and I couldn’t write anymore. I realized that emotionally I was a bit all over the place, and some old wounding was pushing up towards the surface. When we’re in that state of mind, it’s often better to take some time out and go through the motions, and clarity will come in time. So I went for a walk around the harbor and cried a bit instead, allowing the emotions to wash through me. Although I don’t feel I have quite worked through everything yet that was coming up, at least my wound has settled down a little now, and I feel I’m in a better place to be writing and making sense of things, but we’ll see how it goes… 😉
We’re approaching the Spring Equinox, which marks the end of the astrological year/beginning of the new, and also the beginning of Spring here in the Northern hemisphere, where I’m at. This month is a potent one, astrologically speaking, with many shifts and powerful cosmic alignments. It feels like one big purge moment, and given my experience over this past week or so, that feels about right. The full moon in Virgo earlier this week kicked things off and brought up some old grief to be released. Yet I feel there is a bigger theme that I’m working with now, which has to do with feeling trapped in a situation I can’t immediately get out of, as well as being triggered around things to do with my work in the world, the impostor syndrome, perfectionism and the like.
For a long time in my healing process, I feel the focus has been mostly on love, my relationship to men, sex, my childhood and my relationship to my parents and how all this plays in on how I love and show up for myself in life. Although that work is by no means done, it seems to have taken a step back at the moment, and the spotlight is now more firmly on the aforementioned career area, and things related to that. Although there have been issues here that I’ve been aware of for a while, it seems now is the time to tackle them more head on, and I’ve already had a couple of triggers around that in the past week or two. I have a part time job that I’m not overly fond of, and that I feel somewhat trapped in, yet it appears to serve a purpose when it comes to my wounding, in bringing up stuff I need to look at and heal.
Although I have known since the beginning that this job wasn’t my calling or aligned with my heart and soul, I still felt it could give me some insights and that there was something for me to learn from it. And of course it helped me pay the bills, which is important too, although I don’t believe a job should be only about that. It’s important that we enjoy our work in the world, and that it feels in alignment with who we truly are and what we want to be doing in life (aka our mission). But as I haven’t been fully ready to jump in to my “soulsong” work just yet (although I’m working my way there), it seems this current job is helping me clear away some blocks and fears that are standing in my way when it comes to stepping more fully into my mission.
One issue is that I have been feeling a lot of resistance on and off when it comes to my job, and that has been coming up in full force again lately. That was the main issue last week, as I was getting ready for another shift (I have a week off between shifts, then I work long, intense days for 3-4 days in row). I was this close to going on sick leave once again, which I did for an extended period of time last year, but something held me back and when the day came and it was time to go in, the feeling subsided a bit, and I felt more calm. So I went in, and the shift went fine, yet this week, on my days off, more issues have been coming up to the surface, and I’m currently working through those as we speak.
Although I have of course thought about quitting my job several times, something seems to be holding me back from that too, for the moment. As I was working through my resistance last week, I worked out a solution to get me out of my job, but it seems it is not the time for that yet. I always try my best to follow my inner guidance on my journey, and I have learnt that it pays off to do so, yet it can be frustrating at times when I feel strongly that I want to do something, yet I’m being held back and it feels like it’s not the time yet. That is my feeling now, and so I am still stuck not being able to move forward in my situation, but I trust that there’s a reason for that, and that all will be clear and well in time. I suspect that there are still some triggers and wounds that I need to clear, and this job currently serves as a trigger point for that.
Two issues I’ve been feeling into quite a bit over the past few years, is the impostor syndrome, and the perfectionist, that are both quite prominent within my psyche, and I feel they are somewhat interconnected. Old wounds, especially from past lives, I feel, are at the root of this issue, and I had a couple of them come up when I last explored them a little deeper (I write more about that in this blog post). I’ve had this feeling at times, that I’m waiting to be exposed, that people are going to realize I’m a fraud and that I have no idea what I’m doing, or that I will get busted for making some big mistake. I’ve experienced paranoia more than once, when I feel that I did something stupid at work, and I’ve been afraid that I will get fired, although it’s for the most part quite an exaggerated reaction. Yet the feeling has been strong, to the point of me losing sleep over it. It happened again this week, and although it was quite potent this time, I felt able to deal with it better, and could release the anxiety more easily than before. So there’s some progress there, which is nice to see.
I can see that it is probably a good idea to get a handle on these issues a little better before I move deeper into the work I really want to be doing. In fact, I think that is probably one of the reasons why I’m being held back at the moment. I need to see things through in this job, and exhaust the triggers that are there. In many ways I feel this job is steeped in what I call “the old energy”, where fear is used to manage the employees, something I have a hard time with. I think most people would thrive better in an environment where we are given trust and encouragement, being invited to give our opinion on how to improve things at work, instead of having a bunch of rules being imposed on us, and where we’re monitored and talked down to. This is a trigger point for me, and it makes sense that this is something I was exposed to in past lives, but need to be released now. So I will continue to work on that, try to be patient and also, at the same time, work on the stuff I’m passionate about.
So I suppose the message of this particular post is one of patience and perseverance, as I know and trust that all will work itself out. That is not always so easy when we’re in the middle of a storm, yet the more we can manage that, and stay calm, not making rash decisions, the better off we’ll be in the long run. In many ways we’re being tested, and the more tests we pass, the stronger we get, and the better our life will be, raising our vibration as we do so.
So I hope this post can serve as a reminder to be patient and trust whenever things in your own life get a little hairy. Stay strong and try to embrace the challenges, trusting that they are ultimately for our highest good. With that I sign off for today, and as always, I send you much love & light!