Are You a Martyr?

It’s a grey and rainy summer day here in Oslo, Norway as I write this new post. I’m sitting upstairs at one of my favorite coffee shops on the pier, overlooking the fjord, watching the boats coming in and going out from the wharf, seagulls flying about and the people strolling by. As it’s July and school holidays, nobody seems to be in a hurry, but casually idling down the pier with their family or friends. I’m having a relatively calm and casual day myself, although I’m here trying to come up with a topic for this new post. As nothing has jumped out at me yet, I’ve decided to just begin writing, and see what comes…

Although I’m having a calm and pleasant day so far today, it stands somewhat in contrast to yesterday. I had a quite intense healing session yesterday, with a healer I’ve begun to go to, as I’ve felt the need to step up and take charge of my own healing more in recent weeks. This was my second session with him. In our first one, I got in touch with a childhood wound, where I saw how my mother’s illness had a stifling and lingering effect on my personality and self expression, as it caused me to put a lid on myself, becoming quiet and subdued. I suppose I tried to become her ally in some sort of twisted way, aligning with her withdrawn and dejected state of being. This didn’t help neither me nor her, of course, but as a child trying to cope with and responding to their surroundings, it isn’t logical thinking that usually wins out.

Seeing the connection of this wound, and how it has affected me and my life, was quite an eye opener, I have to admit. Although I have worked through a lot of my childhood wounding, this was a perspective that I hadn’t quite put together before, and so it was very healing to see it, and release it in the session. In the second session, that I had yesterday, the focus ended up in the more distant past, in a past life, that I have known about for quite some time. If you have read my blog and some of my previous posts, you may have seen that I have mentioned a past life in Egypt several times, where I was a priestess that got captured by dark priests and robbed of my power and spiritual abilities. It seems I still wasn’t quite done with that life, as this session showed me.

I have felt for a while that this past life in Egypt was a huge turning point for me, and that it in many ways thrust me into a victim mentality, that lingered with me for many lives after this one, up until and including this life I’m living today. As a priestess I had great spiritual power and healing abilities, and a strong connection to Source and my higher Self, that I was forced to give up once captured by these dark priests. They wanted my power, and performed rituals with blood sacrifices and other horrible acts on me, in order to get it. Although it was against my will to participate in these rituals, I didn’t really have much say in the matter, of course, yet I also feel that I willingly gave up my power because I had some unresolved karma with one of the priests, and thought that if I could give my power to him (that was anchored in love), that he would see the light and it would send him down another path.

Due to something that happened in a life prior to this past life in Egypt, I felt I was to blame for this priest (that I had a karmic bond with), going down a dark path. I think I caused him to be stuck here on earth in some way, and he blamed me and hated me for it (I feel our original connection was from another planet). Although I never intentionally did anything to cause that (I haven’t been able to see what specifically it was at this point), I also blamed myself, and felt bad about it, and I think it was this bad conscience that made me want to try to do something to make it up. And giving my power to him was what I felt I could do. It was actually partially successful, in that he did move away from the dark somewhat after that, yet it didn’t fully resolve the karma, and we have both had wounds from a result of this life and the original karma between us, that we have been brought together to resolve in this life, I feel (I write more around this karmic encounter in this previous blog post, if you want to know more about the back story).

During the healing session I saw that I cut off my connection to Source and my higher Self (and thus much of my power and abilities) as a result of things that happened during my encounter with the dark priests. Part of it I willingly gave up, yet the rest I chose to cut off, because I was made to do things during the rituals that made me feel that I didn’t deserve to have that connection and my abilities anymore. Especially since I felt that my sacrifice didn’t even have the desired effect, and so I was actually angry at Source/my higher Self, for having guided me to do it. Although I realize now that it wasn’t Source or my higher Self that guided to me to do it, but my own guilty conscience, for what I had done to the dark priest in a previous life. Thankfully, I was able to begin to heal this misguided belief, forgive myself and restore that cut off connection to my higher Self during the healing session, so that I expect now to regain more of my power, as I integrate this healing in the next few days and weeks.

What is interesting is that I can see a connection between what I experienced in my first session, with my childhood wounding, and what happened in this past life, in that I made myself into a martyr, and sacrificed parts of myself to please others, yet it was not a sacrifice that I needed to make. It was based on misguided beliefs and guilt, and now that I can see this, I can release these pattern and wounds, once and for all. It is a relief to be able to do so, and an important step in opening up to my own power once again, I feel.

This post ended up, somewhat unintentionally, being quite a deep exploration in some of my past wounds. Yet some of the connections that I’m now seeing, I didn’t deduce until writing this post, so writing about it in this manner, seems to be part of my healing process, too. But I hope that in reading this, you may also pick up some clues for your own healing journey, and perhaps begin to see some patterns where you may feel like a victim or martyr, and take steps to release your underlying wounds that may have caused you to feel this way. I wish you all the best with that, and if you feel you need help and support in exploring your own past the way I have, feel free to reach out if you feel inclined to work with me in that process.

With that, I wish you a beautiful day, and send you much love & light!

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