Healing the Father Wound

For years I have heard a lot about the importance of healing the mother wound. Although I don’t deny that this is an important wound to heal and I have worked a lot on it, the father wound is just as important, but for some reason doesn’t seem to get the same amount of attention. At least that is my experience. One of things that has become clear to me during my ascension process is that I’ve had some unresolved issues with my father. I’ve been made aware of quite a bit of wounding in relation to men in my life, and realized that a lot of that has to do with my relationship with my father. It has also helped me understand that the relationship between males and females in general have been dysfunctional in our society in many ways. My own wounds revolve around reclaiming my power as a woman, as well as loving myself enough to honor my own needs.

It became clear to me that at some point in my childhood, not sure when the shift happened, but perhaps around puberty, where my relationship with my father changed, and I didn’t really feel seen by him. I felt that he didn’t really encourage my uniqueness, or empower me as a woman. It probably also didn’t help that I had a mother who was mentally ill, and was unable to set a good example for me as far as female empowerment and self-love. I don’t think I am unique in experiencing an upbringing like this, because it’s not like it has been a norm on this planet to be raised with self-love and feminine empowerment. I also want to say that I don’t blame my parents for any of this, as they were as trapped in unconscious patterns as I have been (and most people have been to a greater or lesser extent in our society).

However, it became clear to me that the issue of not feeling seen by my father or feeling loved for who I was, led me into a pattern of seeking that approval through other men (or boys when I was younger), playing off of sexuality and allure to some extent. I craved the attention of men because I felt that at least I was seen in some way by them, although of course it wasn’t like they saw the real me either, and it was a very dysfunctional pattern to get trapped in. It still didn’t give me the love and appreciation I craved (being loved for who I truly was, not liked temporarily for some other reason), and since I wasn’t encouraged to be authentic, I also rarely showed my true self to people, and so the perpetual cycle continued.

One of the ways this issue was still showing up in my relationship with my father, was with my spiritual faith and my work as a healer and spiritual coach. My father has always been more of an academic, and may not be as open spiritually as I am. He is still a philosopher at heart, though, and do like to ponder the “big” questions. Still, I didn’t feel comfortable talking to him about what I do, and I don’t think he has really been comfortable asking. I suppose I thought he felt that what I did was silly, or ridiculous, and that hurt me, since to me it is very important. But when I finally decided to talk to him about it, it turned out that we had both thought about seeing if we could find some common ground, and we were able to do so, at least to some extent. When we were able to talk openly about it, we found that we did have some common views on things, not everything of course, but at least we can now be respectful of each other’s views without feeling like this topic is the “elephant in the room” anymore.

When healing the father wound, or any wound for that matter, I feel that it’s important to approach the other person from a place of love and non-judgment. Before you have any difficult conversations with people that may have hurt you in some way, it can be a good idea to write some thoughts down around what you want to talk about. I personally wrote everything down in my journal on the train up to see my dad before our talk, and had a good cry as I did so. I think that actually helped me to release and let go of a lot of the pain around the issue, so that when I brought it up to with my dad, it went so much smoother than I had feared.

Forgiveness is key to letting go, but it isn’t always as easy as all that, of course. Sometimes we may need time before we can forgive the people in our lives that have hurt us, but it is vital to do so for our own sake just as much as the other person. It can be easier to forgive the person if they acted unconsciously or with no malicious intent, but if someone has hurt you, even unintentionally, and especially if it’s someone close to you, it is important to bring it up and talk about it, not just to silently forgive them. I felt that I had already forgiven my dad for what had happened, but that still didn’t take away the need to talk about it. It can be easy to get caught in the trap of thinking that you have gotten closure on an issue with someone and feel that you have forgiven them, but sometimes the only way to really forgive and move on from something is to confront the issue head on and talk about it with the other person involved. This was the case with my dad, and although I was very nervous before approaching him, I am now so very glad that I did, as I feel more free and empowered as a result, and my relationship with my dad (and other people too) has improved.

It is really a matter of loving yourself enough to want what is best for yourself, and living like that is not always easy. It means you won’t be a doormat and put up with people’s crap anymore. When valuing yourself, you put other people to a higher standard, as well as yourself. You decide how you want to be treated and have to act thereafter. Forgive as much as you can, but move on from any toxic relationships or people who perpetually hurt you. If someone does something to hurt you once, you can (perhaps, depending on the circumstances) give them the benefit of the doubt, if it was an isolated incidence. But if they keep doing the same thing, and you have talked to them about it, and they still don’t change, you may want to consider whether you want to keep those people in your life or not. Each situation is unique though, so feel into it and follow your own guidance.

If you have any unresolved matters with your father or anyone else, I encourage you to take some time and reflect on it, and if appropriate, talk to them about it. If you find any issues (and let’s face it, it’s the rare person who doesn’t have any), I hope that you are able to forgive and get some closure on it. Your relationships will be the better for it. I wish you all the best with that, and as always send you so much love & light!